update

I saw the doctor on Monday. I told him I do feel better. I don't feel depressed or distant like I used to. I still get irritated and annoyed sometimes but I handle it better. I don't scream at the drop of a hat. I don't throw things. My patience level has gone way up. I think my changes are being reflected in the kid's behaviour. they are doing less of the things that made me lose it.

I still have yet to hear from the sleep clinic. My appointment is Nov 10. If my sleep is messed up as far as apnea, RLS, etc, the sleep doc will help me out. If he gives me the all clear, my family doctor is going to give me some meds to remedy my sleep architecture. He says that it is common with shift workers to develop non-restful sleep. The prescribes this certain med to shift workers all the time and he says it works. If it does, we'll try going off the anti-depressants.

I finished my Anger Solutions class. I learned some valuable things. Stuff about body language, listening, taking responsibility for my feelings, and self-confidence. Because of the class, I've thought more about my feelings and stuff and I felt the maybe some counselling wouldn't hurt. The facilitator put me on a list for a 12 week goal oriented clinical trial. I could be on a waiting list for normal counselling for up to 3 years. I don't wanna wait that long. I'll do the trial.

Progress?

I might be making some progress. I know I'm not yelling as much. I am not feeling as angry. Still frustrated, but that comes with being a parent. Through my anger solutions class I have started to pay more attention to when I am angry and the things that set me off. The worst times are first thing in the morning and supper time. In the morning I think it's because I need time to myself when I first get up. I can't just get up and start doing things.If I can get this sleep thing figured out, maybe I can set an alarm and get up before the rest of the house. I could do my morning stuff, meditate to prepare myself for the day and maybe even exercise. I need to exercise. I have been thinking about how this whole tired/angry/depressed thing got started. I think it started around the middle of 2007. Shortly after DD2 was born. I am NOT blaming her AT ALL.  It was about this time that I started to get tired a lot. She wasn't (has bever been) a very good sleeper so due to the lack of sleep, I wasn't exercising the way I used to. I wasn't riding my bike to work as much, I stopped running the year before that. etc. Last year, I rode my bike even less and things got worse. I haven't riden my bike at all this year and it's been a rough year. Up to that point, I was very active. Riding my bike to work every time, rollerblading, walking to work or school. In high school, we walked or rode our bikes everywhere. Played basketball all summer and road hockey all winter. So really, since I became really tired, I suspect due to a sleep disorder, and stopped excersices because of that, my general level of happiness has declined. When I think about when I am "at my best", it's when I'm DOING something. Building a fence or deck, shovelling snow, raking the yard, playing baseball, sex. Heart rate up stuff.  Could this whole shitstorm of the last couple years simply be due to lack of excercise? Could it?! Or am I grasping at straws trying to figure this out? There's only one way to find out!

As far as the stress at suppertime, I am usually rushed, the girls are impatient, and I have gotten to the point now that I don't expect supper to go well. So I am stressed before I even start. Stressed that the girls aren't going to eat it, stressed that my food will be cold before I even get to it,  and stressed that I'll be up and down out of my chair at least 6 times during the meal. That's the sort of thing I have to work on myself. Maybe it was how I was raised? You stayed out of the kitchen when Mom was cooking, you ate what was put in front of you and if you needed somethig, you go it yourself. I'm sure it wasn't always like that but that's all I remember.

Oh and the other night, I raised my voice at the girls and I felt weird. Like it wasn't me. Like it was something I did more out of habit that of being actually angry. I apologized right away and sincerely felt bad. That's new. Usually I just seethe and wonder what they are going to do next. I think that is progress.

I really miss my meditation class though. Back this week!

it's gonna be a long day

I'm not in a good mood today. not sure why. just woke up that way. not in a bad mood per se, just not a good one.

Not quite one of my "black hole" days. More of an isolationist day. i don't really want to talk to anyone today. what makes matters worse is that I am working with one of the most negative, most cynical people in the place. yay for me.

I have more achesand pains than usual.i found out that my other Gramms is going into a nursing home. and I am unusually stressed about money.

I just might stop and get A beer on the way home tonight.