Wow.

all weekend was good. Monday was great. Tuesday was good. and today is
good! i am very tired, and sore from golf yesterday but my mood is fine.
YAY!

another good day

So Sunday was another good day. 3 in a row! I didn't get as much sleep as I wanted to and the last couple hours were pretty restless but I feel ok. Tired, sure, but mentally ok. I guess that's it for now. 13 hours til my appointment!

good day!

Today has been a really good day. I feel good. Almost chipper. I had a good sleep and a good supper (thanks hunny). I was a bit stressed in the morning because I was really tired and I felt like I was being pulled in too many directions at once (DD1, DD2 and piss-soaked puppy). But I got through it. and it didn't ruin my day.

 really hoping this can carry through (like forever). still getting meds on monday.

 

start of a new streak?

as I said earlier, Wednesday was wretched. Thursday wasn't much better. Better, but not great. It doesn't help that I was going to a wake for a 4 year old. So that was on my mind all day. I had a good cry. Which might have been what I needed. I woke up this morning knowing it was going to be a good day. I am at that point where I know if it is going to be a good or bad day right when I get up. Granted, I am still on a bit of a short fuse sometimes but I am not really depressed. Like today, I lost my cool once or twice but I was in a good mood.

the streak is over

i was on a roll. i had 6 good days. not today. right from the get-go I was cranky. every little thing annoyed me. I felt like nothing could go right. I felt defeated alot today. Like no matter how hard I tried, how much I kept myself calm, I had no control. Nothing went the way it was supposed to. a very very "whatever!" throw-my-arms-up day. I just want to go to bed.

yeah, I am kinda stumped

i had 4 good days. I didn't use nasal strips. still good. I didn't drink anymore water than I usually do. still good. i missed at least one day  (plus today) of my fibre bump. still good. i had pop and beer and tea. still good. Up late. still good.

so what's the deal?

3 good days so far

Ok, last post was after a really bad day but I seem to be doing better.
Right from waking Thursday afternoon, I felt good. Not cranky, not sad. I was okay talking to people. It continued thru the night so that was good.
Friday, I was tired but it didn't get me down. We had a good afternoon and a great evening. Not once was I feeling bad. Well, I did lose my temper in the car when the girls were fighting over something but you would have too.
Today is going pretty good. Great really. I feel good and all that. Hopefully I am on a roll. Although, being back and forth like this makes me think I might need something to keep me on an even keel. Because the lows are getting lower and that's not cool.

well the day is almost over

and it wasn't a good one. I got a full nights sleep but that didn't help.
I just felt like nothing. I felt frustrated. I felt sad. I felt helpless. I felt unrespected. I felt distant. I felt disconnected. I felt inadequate. I felt like a failure. I felt worthless.
I try and put on a happy face but it feels so fake, why bother? Why can I not feel joy any more? DD2 made a funny face, I should have laughed but I didn't feel like it. I asked DD1 how here day was at school, but I only asked because I felt like I should. Then I feigned enthusiasm when she said it was good. I just moped around all day. No desire to do anything. I tried doing yard work because I like that but it did nothing. I have really felt adverse to people lately. I don't want to talk to anyone. At least in a small talk sense. After a concert last night, I would usually stuck around for a bit and talked to the bands. But I thought "ah fuck it" and just went home. On the way home, I really felt bad. Maybe it was because one of the things that I get excited about and enjoy doing, did vitrually nothing for me. As I blank-stared my way home, I felt on the verge of tears. Like at a funeral with you are good until someone says anything to you. Luckily, I kinda got over it by the time I got home. Although, I haven't felt any better since. Let's hope that whatever the solution to this mess is, it works fast.

Btw, it took me long enought to write this that the day ended over an hour ago.

I give up

Everything I try to feel better doesn't work. or it works for a couple days and then it doesn't anymore. Maybe I am just realizing that my mood and behaviour wasn't a side effect of being tired. Maybe I was using it as an excuse. The only thing I haven't done that I have wanted to is excercise but my knees are bothering me enough that I just can't.
I go to see the doc on the 27th and I will do whatever they tell me to. Drugs, therapy, anything.
I can't do this anymore. I can't be this person anymore. It's not fair to those who love me and it's not fair to myself. I wanted to fix myself by myself but I can't.
Good thing I have benefits at work.

well....

midday was a little better, still wanted to be alone.
530, wicked ass headache. any progress made today has been wiped out.
hopefully the tylenol will help. way past ready to go home.

I've got a bad feeling about this(day)

I don't feel good about today. I have that anti-people feeling. Like I want to take my breaks out in the van so I am not around people. Not sure why. maybe i've been hitting the black tea too hard and i have too much caffeine in my system?maybe the no name nasal strips aren't working as well?

I thought that maybe i would feel better today because I had that morning time to myself and wake up proper before I had to DO anything. But no. I feel very disinterested in anything. Flashpoint is on tonight, but I don;'t really care right now. I am going to a concert next week, but if it was tonight, I wouldn't go. I don't feel like it.

I dunno. we'll see how the day goes.

 

Not really a good week

since the 3rd. hmmm. I had very little motivation all weekend. Not very interested in much. DD's had a b-day party. I was ok for that but glad when everyone left. Monday I worked days. Boring crap. Very tired that night. Tuesday morning I was a crab. I was irritable in the evening. Went to work that night. Wednesday, very tired and generally grumpy. Just wanted to sit. Bored with the internet. watched the ball game.
This morning, cranky to beat all hell. no patience. Van broke. Doesn't help. walked home from shop, feel little better. Still want to just plant my ass on the couch and listen to music. not even interested in watching movie. Seems like that's all I want to do lately.
What the fuck is wrong with me?!

2 naps today

yesterday "slept" all day. Nice weather outside made me feel good.
today I got about 3 hours or so total. I have that whole body tired feeling. My heels are aching. I feel I have a short fuse today. Oh! my tea!!

Tired but not really cranky

Fri, Sat Sun I worked nights. So yea, I was tired. Sat acutally i was in a
really good mood. Monday I got more sleep than I exptected but I was still
really tired. But not cranky. Tuesday was DW's birthday. I had a decent
nights sleep monday night so I was in a good mood for her. Wednesday, um,
good day. No crankiness. I actually felt very in control. Let's keep it
going!
I downloaded some book about I Ching and Buddhism (among others. Moon
landing conspiracy,Jewish Superiorism (I think) and like 50 other books on
various topics). Maybe some of the Eastern teachings and give me more tools
to use in my personal re-moulding.