Things have not gotten better.

So a week after my last post my mom did pass away. We didn't expect it that soon but her health fell off a cliff. And as expected the family fractured. We got closer to my cousin but my step-dad moved away (and has since gotten engaged.), the extended family doesn't get together for holidays, and my sister fell off the deep end. Mom really was the glue that held that family together. It's been a tough 3+ years. 

My sister fell in with a bad crowd, or at least was more open about it. Got in trouble with the law, neglected her children even more and had them taken away. We don't speak. She tries to say she's changed but a leopard doesn't change its spots. She's more of a snake though. They shed their skin but just because they've become a bigger snake. 

My step-dad, well, he made a lot of promises that he hasn't kept up. At least he got tough with my sister but I wonder if that was more financially motivated than anything. He doesn't do feelings well. Just drowns them away. He sure knows how to have fun though! Too much. At this point I'm just used to it. It's not fair and hard for my kids to understand but what can you do?

RESURRECTION!

I'm bringing back this blog. I have a lot of shit to say. This is a good place. 

My mom is REALLY sick right now. She has COPD in a bad way. We've taken her in to our house because honestly, at this point, it's the best place for her other than a hospital. And they aren't keeping her there. She WAS at my sister's house but here's where it gets real shitty. 

My step-dad and my sister treat my mom like shit. She's fucking dying and they treat her horribly. They have absolutely no patience with her. My sister expects "please" after every single request my mom has. "Can you get my sweater out that drawer?" (which is too low for her to bend over for) My sister: "PLEASE?" Like fuck right off. She's not asking you to KNIT that damn sweater. Also SHE CAN'T DO IT HERSELF. SHE IS YOUR MOTHER. DID YOU SAY PLEASE EVERY TIME YOU WANTED SOMETHING FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS? FUCK NO! Makes me so mad.

And my step-dad is so mean. Yells and swears at her. SHE IS DYING! She is your WIFE. Why are you like this? I know mad is a hat for sad but c'mon. 

All someone wants when they are dying is compassion. Why aren't the two people who are most important to her (other than me and my brother) giving her all the compassion in the world? She should be able to rely on her husband and her only daughter. She can't. She relies on me and my wife. We have nothing but compassion for her. Cherish what time you have left. Make her last days/weeks/months as happy as they can be because this disease is a motherfucker.

My wife and I try so hard. We never complain to her face. She doesn't need that. But we are so tired and the road only gets rougher from here. We must persevere! When all is said and done hopefully her passing will be peaceful and free of resentment. I doubt that will be the case though. I know my step-dad and sister love her but they have a shitty way of showing it. My wife and I on the other hand are racking up karma points like hot-wiring a slot machine. That's not what it's about but that karma will come back around. 

I fear that either before or after she passes we'll have it out with my step-dad and sister and our family will fracture. Things are already fractured on my dad/step-mom side of the family. I just hold my own kids tight and try my hardest to raise them the right way so that they don't have the same problems.

Every day I look around at the world and see just how shitty it is. From one end of the globe to the other. We're just trying to make it less shitty for one very, very important person for whatever time she has left. It's honestly the hardest thing I've ever done. 

Truckin' right along

I've been doing pretty good. No "black hole days", no uncalled for outbursts of rage. Considering all the stress we've been under from selling our house, and buying a new one, I'm doing really good! I think all the Buddhist texts I've been reading has helped a lot. It's changed how I think and feel about things. For the better.

I've had a bit of a tired spell over the last month. 2 things I suspect are the cause. I was taking B12 supplements and I ran out. And I neglected to work out for about 27 days. So I got some more vitamins and I will try to get back on the workout thing. It's this big vicious circle. You get tired for whatever reason and don't workout. Then you can't get your energy level back up because you aren't working out. Because you're too tired. Because you aren't being physically active. Because you're too tired. And round and round. This is where will power comes in. No matter how much it sucks, I have to get up and do it!

The Plan

OK. So. Mentally it's been a rough week. But it's been a rough week in general. Other than this week, I am doing really well. Mentally. Physically however, I got some work to do. I've been doing the EA Sports Active thing 3-4 times a week but I can't really do the challenging workouts. The challenging ones, at least for lower body and cardio, involved jumping and/or running in place. I can do those things but it makes some noise and since I workout when everybody else is sleeping, it wakes people up.  So what's the plan now?

Well, I'm going to (try to) start with cycling. I got my roadbike fixed. I will try and go for a ride in the mornings. That will work legs and cardio. I am gonna try to get some dumbells for toning my upper body. There is thing thing I'd like that you hook your feet on to help with sit-ups, you hook it on the door frame for pull-ups, and you hold it instead of the floor for push-ups.

Nutrition wise, I gotta cut down on the beer. Lots of calories in all that flavour. Lots of calories that I ingest while sitting on the couch at night. Not a good idea. If I buy beer, I will drink it so I have to just save buying it for occasions. The hard part would be finding a suitable replacement. The other beverage I have to cut down on/quit drinking is energy drinks. I don't drink much coffee anymore so they are my boost. But I am sure that just as much of the boost, if not, more so comes from the sugar rather than the caffeine. Black coffee is virtually calorie free. But I don't really like it black, not a fan of sweetener, and sugar, well, duh.

So that's the plan. Cycle, cut the beer, and cut the expensive energy drinks. Gotta start somewhere!!

Hooray!

As of yesterday, May 26, I have been a vegetarian for one month. My conviction to this new lifesytle has not wavered. If anything, it's only gotten stronger. The more I read about the reasons not to eat meat, the more peaceful I am with my decision. At first it was based on 2 factors. Nutrition and ethics. I totally forgot about the environmental!! The amount of  water and air pollution generated by the meat industry is astronomical! And the wasted resources! So much feed is given to animals raised for meat. If that land was used for crops for humans, world hunger would be a non-issue. As it is,the VAST majority of wheat, corn, soy etc is feed to livestock. Livestock destined for the plates of the world's elite.

I could go on and on but you either get it or you don't.

I'm pretty much just wasting time right now anyway.

I'm gettin' there

I've made some big changes recently. The most profound change has been the decision to become a vegetarian. My motivations are two-fold. The first is strictly nutritional. Meat proteins are not easily digestible. Therefore they are not properly broken down. This can lead to intestinal problems such as constipation or irregularity, or even colon cancer. The undigested meat can interfere with the absorption of vitamins, minerals and other nutritional necessities. Your digestive system works harder and achieves less. Also, the by-products of meat are acidic in the body. This can contribute to acidosis. This is when the pH of the body is below 7 (neutral) into the acid range. Our bodies work best in a slighly alkaline range. (above 7 pH) Acidosis creates the conditions for disease to manifest itself. Some studies claim that a properly maintained bodily pH can eliminate sickness of any kind. So there is that side of it. Basically, meat is not good for you.

The other side is ethical. All life is precious. Whether it's mine, yours, a cow, a fish, a bug or a slug. In Buddhist teachings, all living beings (animals, insects, people) have a soul (so to speak). And all those souls are equal. The soul of a house fly is equal to that of the Dalai Lama. Over countless previous and future lives every living being was or will be our mother. Do you want to cause harm or death to your mother? The intention is that we never cause another soul suffering. (You don't think that cow is scared shitless before the bolt-gun hits it?) While it's not expected that we never cause harm or death under any circumstance, the aim is that we don't intentionally cause harm or death to another living being for our benefit. In the case of food, while I may not actually kill the chicken and make it into a meal, it suffered and died because I wanted to eat chicken. If there is no demand, there will be no supply. If no one wanted to eat chicken, no chickens would have to die. The argument could be made that if we only ate meat that came from animals that had died of natural causes, we would be in the clear morally. However, this brings us back to Argument #1. Nutrition.

For the record, I make no condemnations for those who choose a different lifestyle than my own. I merely ask the same in return.

The other big change in my life is exercise! For the past few years I've been fairly sedentary. Sure, I'd play the odd round of golf, baseball in the summer, yard/housework as necessary but I haven't made the effort to be active everyday. As a result, my energy level has gone down and my weight has gone up. My muscles are tense and my joints hurt. In other words, I feel like an old man. So, I decided that enough was enough and it was time to do something about it. I've started small by actually using the EA Active for the Wii that we bought MONTHS ago.We worked out once, sweated like pigs and ached for days. And there it sat. Around 2 weeks ago I started using it again. After the first day, I took 4 off til the pain subsided but I've done it almost every day since and I've had no lingering pain. It's low impact right now. Resistance band, my own body weight kinda a stuff. I'll get into cardio and weight training eventually. For now, I am happy to increase tone and get those joints moving again. (Bowflex donations greatly accepted.)

I am starting to feel better physically (I haven't lost any weight yet) and I feel better mentally than I have in years. I don't know if it's an actual biochemical change or simply a placebo effect. Frankly, I don't care. As long as it works. So please don't try and psych me out of it.

I'm still a long way from where I want to be but I'm getting there.

Big Changes Ahead

I go see the doctor on Friday. I've got lots to talk to him about. I'll try to summarize in point form.

• I'd like to try and go off my meds.
• I am still tired (not AS much) but I can go 3 or 4 days off meds and feel no different than if I am on them solid for 3 weeks.
• at my intake at the counselor's, they suggested I ask for a consult with the shrink who specializes in meds. I don't think I will bother because I don't want more meds. Or different meds. I don't want meds.
• I even want to try not taking my sleeping pills on nights and see how that goes.
• I am going to tell him about my plans to go vegetarian.
• I am going to tell him about my new regimen of stretching, light exercise and possibly yoga and weight training.
• I am going to talk to him about how concerned I am about my gut. I look pregnant. And it's not flabby. It's hard. I am concerned I have digestion issues. Or a blockage or a tumour or something.. I have serious gas issues. I fart ALOT. I always feel at least a little bloated. I mean I fart A LOT. 5-10x/hour is normal. I farted at least 20x in the last hour and my pants aren't as tight. And my abdomen isn't as hard. Hmmmmm.
• I am going to ask for a script for massage. I get $25/session back from my benefits but only if it's prescibed.
• I am also going to talk to him about a couple lumps I have. Becky is concerned about one under my arm and I am concerned about one on the back of my head.
• Finally, I want to talk to him about the supernatural. About the spirit in our house who is a meanie and is resistant to change so he affects us negatively.

I'm gonna try and start a daily log of what I ate and when and how I feel throughout the day. Increase my diligence on tracking BMs and maybe start tracking farts too. Also keep record of activities. Did I stretch, workout, do yoga, meditate, etc.

Let's the awesome begin!

not a good day

i just don't feel happy today. the day started off bad when I couldn't get a big bag of dog food. the dogs were out of food and walmart was the only thing open. I'm gonna start weaning them over to a different kind that is always in stcok.
when I got home I was VERY tired and as much as I love my girls, I hate how they bombard me at the door. The first thing after "Daddy!" is "I want chocolate milk!" no please or anything. It's a demand, not a question. no matter how many times I correct them and get them to ask properly, the next time, same thing. demands. it just starts my day off on the wrong foot.

when i got up this afternoon, I just wasn't in a great mood. while Becky was helping someone get our house looking better, the girls and I ate supper. which means they barely ate and one of the few opps we have to eat a nice dinner together was lost.

this whole house selling thing is stressing me the fuck out. everyday I see things that should be done, fixed, etc and I will never have enough time to do it all. So I feel that if it's not done, nobody will buy the house. then i feel that even if i do all the stuff I CAN, nobody will buy it anyway because of the stuff we can't afford to do. (Roof, refinish floors, new carpet) it's like a mental Catch 22. I just can't shake this feeling that our house is unsellable. I know it IS sellable, i just keep thinking it's not.
i feel like no matter how hard I try or how much I do, nothing ever turns out the way I want it. and it's not like my aims are unrealistic either. I just want my kids to use a little manners and listen when I talk to them. I just want to be able to get things done that need to be done. I just wanna play my guitar and scream. I just wanna lift some weights. I just wanna relax. I just wanna meditate. Unfortunately, there is only 24 hours in a day. And since I can't get everything done, I constantly feel stressed and unsatisfied. i'm always in such a hurry because there is always something I want to do. my mind is just pulled in a hundred directions at once.

right now my major concern is the house. I'm afraid we'll never sell and be stuck here. sigh.

wow

It's been like 2 months since I posted on here. I guess that's because things are pretty good.  I'm still taking my anti-depressants but I'll forget 2-3 days in a row and I don't notice. I don't feel sad, or distant or angry all the time anymore. I'm still tired as heck though. not sure what to do there. I can't take a full sleeping pill at night b/c I am wiped the next day. Sometimes I take half but I forget alot. I do take them when I am on nights and it helps me sleep the whole day. So that's good.

I have been stressed lately b/c we are trying to sell our house. I just want it to be over and done. The house we have our eyes (and offer) on is so great. If we lose it because we can't sell our house, I'm gonna be pretty upset. If another person gives them a better offer, I'll still be upset, but that's different. If we can't sell our house, I'll feel bad because it's a good house.(with no yard) But I feel that if we can't sell it the way it is, we'll never sell it. Cuz our realtor said we wouldn't be able to get much more out of it than what we listed at. So I don't want to pump another 5,10,15 grand into it that we'd never be able to get back.

Think Positive!! We WILL sell it!!

everyone's entitled to an off-day right?

I better be cuz I'm having one today.  I'm worn out (good thing i'm on holidays soon), I'm stressed out, tired. I forgot to take my sleeping pills the last 2 nights, and I think I forgot my anti-depressants Friday.

today is one of those days where nothing goes right. Nothing. I feel pulled in so many directions. The girls are always at each other, the laundry is piling up, the house is a disaster area, the dogs keep getting out and/or running off, the outside of the house is a disaster, and I have shopping to do. (deep breath)

I'm confused too. SOrt of. I feel exhausted and like I have no ambition. I feel lazy really. But I feel like I have so much energy inside me waiting to be unleashed. It's a specific energy though. Like lift weights, punch a heavy bag, scream really loud, that sort of thing.

Or maybe I just need a good long sleep.

I feel better now

I took a littel time last night/this morning and found a quiet place. I set an alarm in case I fell asleep and I meditated. I did a relaxation meditation. I felt much better when I came out of it. I missed meditation class the last 2 weeks and I haven't been very good about practicing. I think I just needed to relax, chill out, center myself. I guess it worked. I feel much better today even though I didn't sleep well at all. I should get lots of sleep tomorrow so that will help too. And after tonight, only 10 shifts til holidays!!! That's a reason to smile!

Not a good week so far

The last 3 days, including today, have been really rough. Really rough. I have been feeling really really tired. But I don't know if it's really tired. Other than being tired, like, my eyes hurt tired, I'm also feeling defeated. Almost that disconnected feeling I was having a while back. I don't know if the tired is a side effect of the "down" or if the "down" is a side effect of being really tired.  In any case, it's not good. I have been very easily frustrated and feel that nothing is going right. I couldn't find the can opener, all the pork was freezer burnt, I couldn't find the chequebook, our account went into the red because I forgot about a check I wrote. The girls are ignoring my requests no matter how I phrase it. I am dropping things and spilling things. I even tried to watch a movie and I kept getting interrupted and it cut into my nap time. Add to that a somewhat upsetting email from my mother and I didn't nap very well at all. And I just don't have the energy to deal with it. My feet hurt, my knees hurt, my back hurts, my head hurts, my ears are ringing, and I have a canker that just won't go away. I thought about taking a couple days off work but I honestly don't think it would help. I've been getting enough sleep so I really don't think not working nights and just sitting around all day "relaxing" is the answer right now.

I see the doctor next week. Since my sleep tests came back normal I think he's going to start me on some meds to help make my sleep more effective. The plan is to get me off the anti-depressants. But up til this week, I was doing really well on them. Still really tired but not angry or down. I just want to be poppin' pills all day just to be normal.

There is a meditation program from Holothink that is designed (and proven) to get you into a deep Zen state very quickly to maximize the benefits in a short amoutn of time for people who are strapped for time. i.e. Me. I need to do some research on it before I decide to shell out the $70. I also need to try harder to find a pirated copy. There has got to be one out there. They also have one that is supposed to energize you to get lots done in a little time. Like cleaning and stuff. I'll keep looking.

I really just need to psyche myself out of this. I feel a little better just writing this. Getting it out of my system. Doesn't make my feel hurt any less though. Ah well.

wrong side of the bed

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something today. Yesterday. Sunday. I had no reason to really. We had friends over last night, the wife and I got jiggy, and I had pizza for breakfast. But, I was awake around 630 for no apparent reason. Didn't get out of bed til the girls woke up, but couldn't get back to sleep. whatever the cause, my patience was low. Every limit was tested, every button was pushed and every nerve was frazzled. Considering everything that went on, I held it together pretty well. I believe that if it weren't for the positive changes I've made in the last couple months, that a day like today would have turned out a lot worse. I still don't feel good about the times I had to raise my voice, but it mostly just to be heard not in anger. Stop.Think.Act. saved me a lot today.

I need a good massage and a mini-beanbag chair. My neck and shoulders are killing me.

So I'm 31 now.

I don't usually talk about my feelings and stuff. At least not in person. I am a little more forthcoming in type. I really hope that my 32nd year of existence goes better than my 31st. A lot of stuff happened while I was 30. Not all of it good. I became a person I didn't want to be. And I am just recently becoming more of a person I can live with. I still have a long way to go. I've made great strides in ridding myself of habits and attitudes that were dragging me down. Up til about February, whiskey had me in its grip and I thought nothing was wrong with me. I thought I was just tired. Looking back, I was in denial. Yes, I was tired (still am) but that was no excuse for being a jerk all the time. I had to wake up and realize that it's okay to get help. I don't have to be the big tough guy and do it all on my own. It's been a year of struggle. A year of looking into myself.  A year of doctor's appoointments and trial and error. A year of distance and pain. A year of pessimism and disappointment. But that year is over and a new one begins.

My 32nd year will be a year of optimism. A year of peace. A year of self-discovery. A year of patience. A year of progress. A year of answers (well, hopefully I get at least one answer next week.Why is my sleep not restful?) A year of creativity. A year of confidence. A year of happiness and joy. This year is the first year of the rest of my life. I intend to make it a good one.

update

I saw the doctor on Monday. I told him I do feel better. I don't feel depressed or distant like I used to. I still get irritated and annoyed sometimes but I handle it better. I don't scream at the drop of a hat. I don't throw things. My patience level has gone way up. I think my changes are being reflected in the kid's behaviour. they are doing less of the things that made me lose it.

I still have yet to hear from the sleep clinic. My appointment is Nov 10. If my sleep is messed up as far as apnea, RLS, etc, the sleep doc will help me out. If he gives me the all clear, my family doctor is going to give me some meds to remedy my sleep architecture. He says that it is common with shift workers to develop non-restful sleep. The prescribes this certain med to shift workers all the time and he says it works. If it does, we'll try going off the anti-depressants.

I finished my Anger Solutions class. I learned some valuable things. Stuff about body language, listening, taking responsibility for my feelings, and self-confidence. Because of the class, I've thought more about my feelings and stuff and I felt the maybe some counselling wouldn't hurt. The facilitator put me on a list for a 12 week goal oriented clinical trial. I could be on a waiting list for normal counselling for up to 3 years. I don't wanna wait that long. I'll do the trial.

Progress?

I might be making some progress. I know I'm not yelling as much. I am not feeling as angry. Still frustrated, but that comes with being a parent. Through my anger solutions class I have started to pay more attention to when I am angry and the things that set me off. The worst times are first thing in the morning and supper time. In the morning I think it's because I need time to myself when I first get up. I can't just get up and start doing things.If I can get this sleep thing figured out, maybe I can set an alarm and get up before the rest of the house. I could do my morning stuff, meditate to prepare myself for the day and maybe even exercise. I need to exercise. I have been thinking about how this whole tired/angry/depressed thing got started. I think it started around the middle of 2007. Shortly after DD2 was born. I am NOT blaming her AT ALL.  It was about this time that I started to get tired a lot. She wasn't (has bever been) a very good sleeper so due to the lack of sleep, I wasn't exercising the way I used to. I wasn't riding my bike to work as much, I stopped running the year before that. etc. Last year, I rode my bike even less and things got worse. I haven't riden my bike at all this year and it's been a rough year. Up to that point, I was very active. Riding my bike to work every time, rollerblading, walking to work or school. In high school, we walked or rode our bikes everywhere. Played basketball all summer and road hockey all winter. So really, since I became really tired, I suspect due to a sleep disorder, and stopped excersices because of that, my general level of happiness has declined. When I think about when I am "at my best", it's when I'm DOING something. Building a fence or deck, shovelling snow, raking the yard, playing baseball, sex. Heart rate up stuff.  Could this whole shitstorm of the last couple years simply be due to lack of excercise? Could it?! Or am I grasping at straws trying to figure this out? There's only one way to find out!

As far as the stress at suppertime, I am usually rushed, the girls are impatient, and I have gotten to the point now that I don't expect supper to go well. So I am stressed before I even start. Stressed that the girls aren't going to eat it, stressed that my food will be cold before I even get to it,  and stressed that I'll be up and down out of my chair at least 6 times during the meal. That's the sort of thing I have to work on myself. Maybe it was how I was raised? You stayed out of the kitchen when Mom was cooking, you ate what was put in front of you and if you needed somethig, you go it yourself. I'm sure it wasn't always like that but that's all I remember.

Oh and the other night, I raised my voice at the girls and I felt weird. Like it wasn't me. Like it was something I did more out of habit that of being actually angry. I apologized right away and sincerely felt bad. That's new. Usually I just seethe and wonder what they are going to do next. I think that is progress.

I really miss my meditation class though. Back this week!

it's gonna be a long day

I'm not in a good mood today. not sure why. just woke up that way. not in a bad mood per se, just not a good one.

Not quite one of my "black hole" days. More of an isolationist day. i don't really want to talk to anyone today. what makes matters worse is that I am working with one of the most negative, most cynical people in the place. yay for me.

I have more achesand pains than usual.i found out that my other Gramms is going into a nursing home. and I am unusually stressed about money.

I just might stop and get A beer on the way home tonight.

rough day again

I am so tired. i'm 61 hours into a 84 hours in 7 days work stretch. when
i'm tired like this i am still irritable but it's more than that. when i am
tired, i feel low. I have little to no interest in anything. i hate feeling
this way. i'm not in a situation right now that i can scream and i'm too
tired to meditate because I'd fall asleep. i just need to find a mantra and
repeat it to myself. think good things and they will happen, right?

wiggy day

Today was a wiggy day. by that i mean my head wasn't calm. I didn't have a
chance for quiet. all day the girls were either hanging off me, fighting,
or both trying to talk to me at once. That really sends my head spinning.
them both talking to me at once. not just them, any 2 or more people
talking to me at the same time. i have a problem with multiple voices. for
example, when I am reading on my breaks at work, i HAVE to listen to music.
if I can hear people talking, i can't concentrate. there's the voice of one
or more people talking, and the voice in my head, saying the words I read.
2 or more voices, i get wiggy. so today, both them were trying to talk at
the same time and it stressed me out. and they would step it up a notch
when the phone rings.
so all in all today, i never felt calm. it was just kids being kids but
it's a trigger for me. i never lost my cool though. my teeth are sore from
the effort of keeping cool. gritting them. I'm only half-conscious of it. i
did raise my voice a couple/few times but that was just to be heard over
the screechin/yelling/whining/crying.

when is my fuckin guitar gonna be fixed anyway?! i need it! for 3 reasons:
release, help get me off the computer, and music calms the savage
beast/kids. between 3 guitars, and the tribal drums I plan to buy, the kids
and I could really have some fun. without tv or computer.

The Week that was

Kind of a roller coaster week.

Monday and Tuesday weren't good. I was pretty much a bear. My mind was deluded by anger and selfishness. Instead of finding a constructive outlet (or better yet, recognizing the emotions and patiently accepting the situation) I lashed out at others. Not cool. I wasn't able to calm my mind before or during Buddhist Meditation class Tuesday night. Even after class I was still in a state of mental unrest. I didn't stay to chat with the others at all. I just wanted to go home.

Wednesday wasn't an angry day. Doesn't mean it was a good day either. Well, it was and it wasn't. I was feeling pretty down in the morning. Probably mostly due to the previous 2 days. I was going to a concert in Toronto that night and I was going to see friends I hadn't seen in a couple years. Sounds like a recipe for happy, doesn't it? I was actually worried that my sour mood was going to carry over and I wouldn't enjoy myself. Week 1 of Anger Solutions for Men helped me put some things into perspective and during the 2 hour drive to my friend's place I did a lot of thinking. My mood did turn around and I did enjoy myself. It was really nice to hang out with an old friend. The concert was pretty awesome too. Clutch rules.

Thursday I drank coffee and watched Die Hard 3 with Spencer, dropped him off at work and drove home. After that it was just a normal day.

Friday I saw the doctor. He changed my medication again. The last one knocked me out too hard. It helped me sleep but if I took the prescribed dose, I could sleep all day. I got my hair trimmed. Becky and I got groceries and had lunch. It was good. (He might have found the right meds. I feel pretty good since I started taking them.)

Saturday Becky took the wedding photos for a friend of hers. (Ours I guess. haha) Another friend of ours was singing at the wedding. So we all kind of went together. We sat together anyway. It was fun. Michelle and Bill helped us let go of the high school slowdance posture and dance like adults. (Stand up straight!) Every day is a learning day!

Sunday we went to Aunt Maureen's for a little birthday party for Gramma Hinch. 90! I tried to have a nap before I came into work but it wasn't really happening. Even when Becky got home and I went upstairs I still didn't nap. But I didn't let if bother me. It wasn't anybody's fault. No one was TRYING to keep me from resting. So why get angry? Then I went to work and that's just boring.

I went for an x-ray Monday morning. I hurt my finger back in August and it was still bothering me. So the Doc sent me for x-rays. I'll find out in a couple days. Not really much they can do anyway. I just hope that leaving it so long didn't do any other damage.

So I guess it wasn't really a roller coaster week. It didn't come back down. It was more of a turn around week. I might finally be heading in the right direction.

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am having a rough couple days. i am really annoyed by everything. everything.
i don't want anything to exist for a bit. just silence and darkness.

This road is long

Yesterday was a bad day. Woke up on the wrong side of bed and was cranky all day. I had zero patience. ZERO. Bad bad day.

Last night I slept at the sleep lab again. I slept much better. We'll see what the results are in November.

Going to Buddhist Meditation classes tonight. I need all the help I can get.

Anger Management

I am calling on Monday to sign up for anger managment classes. It's a 6 week program, 2 hours/wk. IT BETTER FUCKING WORK!!!! (hah that was a joke) I just hope it doesn't do something crazy like make me not love metal anymore.

boy

new meds. make me very tired. have to half pill. kids testing every nerve today. every one.
Grace on step. 10 minutes. my can't they just listen and do what they are told without screaming and denial?

Oh man.

Do I ever feel like a sack of crap today. Everything hurts. Neck, legs, arms, feet, head, eyes. I did not sleep well at all last night. I think I looked at the clock every hour. I am having trouble keeping my eyes open. My breathing is laboured. I have heartburn and the shits. Add that to the remorse, guilt and embarassment and it's a great day!

Welcome to Sucktown.

Population: Me.

Back in January or so, when I started this blog, it was to showcase my jouney to becoming a better person.  Well, it's August and I'm still no better. I may even be worse. I'm still a cranky SOB. I still am tired. I still have an alcohol problem. I'm not a better husband, or father. I'm just not a better person.

I could sit here and wallow in self pity but what good would that do?

Time to back it up, and start the journey over again. Before it's too late.

well shit.

I had a doctors appt 3 weeks ago. I told her that I felt better mood wise
but I was clenching my jaw a lot. She said it should pass. And the
headaches should pass. Well, the clenching is getting worse. I am not
sleeping well at night. I still have headaches.
My libido needs some work too. Not a lack of desire though.
Still VERY tired.
I have noticed that since that appt, my mood is actually swinging back. I
have been quite irritable the last couple weeks.
Last night was wretched. I had no patience to start with and both girls
were giving me a hard time.
And today, I still don't have any patience but I also feel down again.
Not good.,
I don't have another appt until Aug 13.
I don't want them to bump me to a higher dose. I don't want to make any of
the negative side effects worse.
I can't live with the teeth clench thing. It makes my teeth and jaw ache. I
think it's the cause of the headaches. I think it's was waking me up at
night. It hurts to chew.
This sucks.
Hopefully sometime this weekend I'll have enough energy to try the libido
thing out. Maybe it was unrelated? Or a side effect of some other
"medicine". wink wink.

Better, not perfect

So I've been on the pills for a month now. I do feel better. Not 100% but I probably never will be. That's too much to ask from anyone. The headaches and upset stomach have gone away but I am clenching my jaw like crazy. The doc said it should go away.
As much as my mood is better, I am still tired. I stayed over at the sleep lab last week. I go for my results near the end of August. I kinda hope they find something. The doc wants me to stay on the meds for a year regardless. But as soon as I can try and go pill-free I will.

The last couple days have been rough on me. I have been extra tired so maybe that has something to do with it.
It's progress.

Visit to the Sleep Lab

I went to the sleep lab on Thursday. It was kind of an intake sort of thing. Here's how it went down:

They measured my neck, abdomen, and hips. Pinched the fat on my arm, back and stomach. I think all that was to fit me for the various apparatus they use. They checked my blood pressure and pulse. Then they asked some questions about my moods, my short term memory loss, and falling asleep in class in high school and university.  That was with the nurse. Then I saw the doctor. He talked about my twitching, my snoring, my snorting, my moods and my breathing. He talked about sleep apnea. He checked my breathing, my heart, my throat and my eyes. (bloodshot, as always) He told me about the stuff they hook up. Chest bands, electrodes on chest and head, breathing mask, monitor on my finger, and infrared cameras. I hope I'm able to sleep with all that stuff on me! Somehow I don't really think it will be a problem.

My sleepover is scheduled for Aug 31. Yikes that's far. But my name is on the cancellation list so I could get in earlier. In fact, they called last night. But I was at work. So here's hoping they have a more convenient cancellation and I don't have to wait 2 and a half months. I overheard someone ask how long til the results come back and they said about another 4 weeks. So that's the end of September. I started this whole "why am I so tired?" thing back in Feb! Maybe even Jan!

well....

Dr. K started me on some meds.Cipralex. Has given me upset stomach and headaches. The pharmacist said that's normal for the first week or so.  it might have disturbed my sleep too. Although, I have alot going on right now so that might be contributing.

I am pretty tired tonight. I don't if that is why I feel "off" tonight or what. I feel that way I do sometimes when I don't really want to be around people. I just want to listen to music and read. I don't want to talk to anyone. I hope it's just because I am tired.

What a rotten day

today was a really bad day. I had no patience whatsoever. I woke up in a pissy mood. I was either pissy or irritated or frustrated or just plain tired all day. my eyes were sore and puffy all day. i had very little energy.

I hate when I get like this. I got 7 solid hours of sleep but I felt like I got zero. when i get like this I just don't want to deal with anything. I feel bad about it. sometimes the irritation, cranky attitude doesn't carry over when I get to work.(sometimes it does)  i am not trying to put any blame on my family. i think it's more that, at work, I don't have to deal with anything. haha I just do my boring repetitive job. for the most part I don't even have to talk to people. maybe like 2 min out of every 2.5 hours. If the machine is giving me a hard time, I can holler and swear and be as angry as I want and it doesn't affect anyone but me. not that it solves anything.

the countdown to the sleep clinic continues. 18 days to go! i just hope I get some answers.

Thursday was SHITTY

I was extremely tired Thursday. I didn't sleep well Wed Night so that
didn't get me started well. About 3pm I had an iced coffee. Free from
Timmy's. But I paid for it. It made me really tired and gave me a bit of a
tummy ache. It put me in a right foul mood for most of the night. 100%
irritable. Zero Patience. zero energy. Guess that answers the coffee
question. NO coffee!!

update

I haven't had any depressed days since my last post but I have had some
blow my gasket days. I am still tired and I still lose my temper. I don't
feel I have any more patience lately either.

couple bad hours

both girls gave me a hard time going to bed last night. it really
frustrated me and I felt down for a couple hours.
i'm okay today but tired.

not bad.

Everything has been going well. Monday I was a bit irritable but my neck
hurts and I didn't get to bed until about 1 after a saturday night of being
up til after 3. Not grumpy really just irritable. and not sad at all.
Got my appt with the sleep clinic booked for June 18. i'll see my doc
before that. I need to fill out the form and have it back by May 21. Then I
can check for cancellations to try and get in sooner. that would be
preferred. June 18 is so far away.

Wow.

all weekend was good. Monday was great. Tuesday was good. and today is
good! i am very tired, and sore from golf yesterday but my mood is fine.
YAY!

another good day

So Sunday was another good day. 3 in a row! I didn't get as much sleep as I wanted to and the last couple hours were pretty restless but I feel ok. Tired, sure, but mentally ok. I guess that's it for now. 13 hours til my appointment!

good day!

Today has been a really good day. I feel good. Almost chipper. I had a good sleep and a good supper (thanks hunny). I was a bit stressed in the morning because I was really tired and I felt like I was being pulled in too many directions at once (DD1, DD2 and piss-soaked puppy). But I got through it. and it didn't ruin my day.

 really hoping this can carry through (like forever). still getting meds on monday.

 

start of a new streak?

as I said earlier, Wednesday was wretched. Thursday wasn't much better. Better, but not great. It doesn't help that I was going to a wake for a 4 year old. So that was on my mind all day. I had a good cry. Which might have been what I needed. I woke up this morning knowing it was going to be a good day. I am at that point where I know if it is going to be a good or bad day right when I get up. Granted, I am still on a bit of a short fuse sometimes but I am not really depressed. Like today, I lost my cool once or twice but I was in a good mood.

the streak is over

i was on a roll. i had 6 good days. not today. right from the get-go I was cranky. every little thing annoyed me. I felt like nothing could go right. I felt defeated alot today. Like no matter how hard I tried, how much I kept myself calm, I had no control. Nothing went the way it was supposed to. a very very "whatever!" throw-my-arms-up day. I just want to go to bed.

yeah, I am kinda stumped

i had 4 good days. I didn't use nasal strips. still good. I didn't drink anymore water than I usually do. still good. i missed at least one day  (plus today) of my fibre bump. still good. i had pop and beer and tea. still good. Up late. still good.

so what's the deal?

3 good days so far

Ok, last post was after a really bad day but I seem to be doing better.
Right from waking Thursday afternoon, I felt good. Not cranky, not sad. I was okay talking to people. It continued thru the night so that was good.
Friday, I was tired but it didn't get me down. We had a good afternoon and a great evening. Not once was I feeling bad. Well, I did lose my temper in the car when the girls were fighting over something but you would have too.
Today is going pretty good. Great really. I feel good and all that. Hopefully I am on a roll. Although, being back and forth like this makes me think I might need something to keep me on an even keel. Because the lows are getting lower and that's not cool.

well the day is almost over

and it wasn't a good one. I got a full nights sleep but that didn't help.
I just felt like nothing. I felt frustrated. I felt sad. I felt helpless. I felt unrespected. I felt distant. I felt disconnected. I felt inadequate. I felt like a failure. I felt worthless.
I try and put on a happy face but it feels so fake, why bother? Why can I not feel joy any more? DD2 made a funny face, I should have laughed but I didn't feel like it. I asked DD1 how here day was at school, but I only asked because I felt like I should. Then I feigned enthusiasm when she said it was good. I just moped around all day. No desire to do anything. I tried doing yard work because I like that but it did nothing. I have really felt adverse to people lately. I don't want to talk to anyone. At least in a small talk sense. After a concert last night, I would usually stuck around for a bit and talked to the bands. But I thought "ah fuck it" and just went home. On the way home, I really felt bad. Maybe it was because one of the things that I get excited about and enjoy doing, did vitrually nothing for me. As I blank-stared my way home, I felt on the verge of tears. Like at a funeral with you are good until someone says anything to you. Luckily, I kinda got over it by the time I got home. Although, I haven't felt any better since. Let's hope that whatever the solution to this mess is, it works fast.

Btw, it took me long enought to write this that the day ended over an hour ago.

I give up

Everything I try to feel better doesn't work. or it works for a couple days and then it doesn't anymore. Maybe I am just realizing that my mood and behaviour wasn't a side effect of being tired. Maybe I was using it as an excuse. The only thing I haven't done that I have wanted to is excercise but my knees are bothering me enough that I just can't.
I go to see the doc on the 27th and I will do whatever they tell me to. Drugs, therapy, anything.
I can't do this anymore. I can't be this person anymore. It's not fair to those who love me and it's not fair to myself. I wanted to fix myself by myself but I can't.
Good thing I have benefits at work.

well....

midday was a little better, still wanted to be alone.
530, wicked ass headache. any progress made today has been wiped out.
hopefully the tylenol will help. way past ready to go home.

I've got a bad feeling about this(day)

I don't feel good about today. I have that anti-people feeling. Like I want to take my breaks out in the van so I am not around people. Not sure why. maybe i've been hitting the black tea too hard and i have too much caffeine in my system?maybe the no name nasal strips aren't working as well?

I thought that maybe i would feel better today because I had that morning time to myself and wake up proper before I had to DO anything. But no. I feel very disinterested in anything. Flashpoint is on tonight, but I don;'t really care right now. I am going to a concert next week, but if it was tonight, I wouldn't go. I don't feel like it.

I dunno. we'll see how the day goes.

 

Not really a good week

since the 3rd. hmmm. I had very little motivation all weekend. Not very interested in much. DD's had a b-day party. I was ok for that but glad when everyone left. Monday I worked days. Boring crap. Very tired that night. Tuesday morning I was a crab. I was irritable in the evening. Went to work that night. Wednesday, very tired and generally grumpy. Just wanted to sit. Bored with the internet. watched the ball game.
This morning, cranky to beat all hell. no patience. Van broke. Doesn't help. walked home from shop, feel little better. Still want to just plant my ass on the couch and listen to music. not even interested in watching movie. Seems like that's all I want to do lately.
What the fuck is wrong with me?!

2 naps today

yesterday "slept" all day. Nice weather outside made me feel good.
today I got about 3 hours or so total. I have that whole body tired feeling. My heels are aching. I feel I have a short fuse today. Oh! my tea!!

Tired but not really cranky

Fri, Sat Sun I worked nights. So yea, I was tired. Sat acutally i was in a
really good mood. Monday I got more sleep than I exptected but I was still
really tired. But not cranky. Tuesday was DW's birthday. I had a decent
nights sleep monday night so I was in a good mood for her. Wednesday, um,
good day. No crankiness. I actually felt very in control. Let's keep it
going!
I downloaded some book about I Ching and Buddhism (among others. Moon
landing conspiracy,Jewish Superiorism (I think) and like 50 other books on
various topics). Maybe some of the Eastern teachings and give me more tools
to use in my personal re-moulding.

Well those were two days I'd like to take back

yeah, Thursday sucked. I was overtired and in a crank ass mood all day. I was tired and sore  and I took it out on others. I did feel better once I got the dishes done, some laundry folded and a tea in me. I think I was a little stressed and I needed to get some stuff done to take the load off. Great, here we go again with the "so much to do!! stress me out!!" I am really gonna have to work on that.

Friday wasn't much better. it was and it wasn't. morning was good. 12-130pm not good. ALL my fault. I thought that the girls would entertain each other for a while but I was wrong. All they wanted was my attention but I was too wrapped up in my stupid pool. I'll have to make it up to them. I know how I will with DD1. There is a craft she is DYING to do with me when DD2 is sleeping. I'll have to do that next week.

Bear in mind, and I am sensing a pattern here, that I ran out of Breathe Right strips. The 2 days following a night without them and I was cranky. Hmmmm. I've been very diligent with my fibre, no coffee. The strips is the only thing that has changed.

Need to start exercising too. As much as it would suck, maybe I have to start setting an alarm on my days off and going for a run or a bike ride. I remember how good i felt back when I did exercise. and how i encouraged DW to aswell, becuase it felt good. Besides, the dog could use the odd run too!

 

Thurs Mar 26

Mon-Tues. Day shifts. Tired. Expected. Headaches.
Wednesday. Not bad. Painted all day. Tired. Not cranky. Headaches.
Thursday. Up with DD2 til 1am. Slept on couch very painfully(when I woke up) til 315am. Up with DD1 at 730 or something like that. Tired and cranky. Yes. Legs sore. back sore.ankles sore. No headaches. Not a good day.

As Expected

Friday was a write-off. I only expected to sleep til 10 but Becky let me go til 11. Thanks. Then I had to take DD2 up the hospital. We were there for over 3.5 hours for a pill and some juice. I finished a book and laid with her so I wasn't wearing myself out any more. I had a coffee after I picked up DD1 and that didn't help at all. But I was in bed by 10 and slept (almost straight) til 730.

so saturday was better. I only raised my voice once. ANd that was literally seconds after I woke up from my nap so I was a bit grumpo. I didn't feel irritable all day. Saturday was good.

now, SUnday, I might not get enough sleep after my night shift so we'll see how it goes.

Not lookin' good

DD2 is sick again so that means DW and I will be tired. She was up with her 3 times last night so she didn't get good sleep. Then DD2 was sick all day. I was up around 215pm after 5 hours sleep or so. I hope DD2 is sleeping through tonight. Neither of us will get any sleep tomorrow (I might get a little) so I hope one of us at least is sleeping.

If it's any consolation, DD2 is easier to deal with on little to no sleep than DD1. If she is still sick, she won't be too active. Well, her mood doesn't suffer unless she is REALLY sick. Still, she is easier. I may have to still get things for her but I don't mind so much because I know she can't get them for herself.

At least tonight I am at my secondary job at work which is much less physical. I might even be able to take a nap later. If I was at my other function, I would nap too but it would be little 20 minute naps. I'm talkin' I might be able to have like an hour nap. or more.

I can't chalk up any feeling I have tonight or tomorrow to anything other than exhaustion. I will have every reason to be feeling tired.

That's what most of this blog is about. Whether or not I have a "right" to be tired. If I have a perfectly normal reason (up all night) or not. It's when I have had a normal night's sleep and all that, and then I am still a cranky SOB, that I need to identify. I have noticed that lately, that scenario has become less common. No coffee (Gonna try one tonight under the circumstances), very little pop, almost regular fibre intake, 2 teas a day, and no alcohol. I quit the alcohol first and I was still tired and irritable (maybe a little more so). I think since the no coffee, little pop, fibre and nasal strips  I have been feeling better. Sunday night I got us a bottle of pop. Diet, caffeine free. But I had a bad Monday. I had some pop monday too. Hmmm....Maybe there is something to this no pop thing.

I have been feeling a real urge to get outside this week. Spring sucks. I hate how dirty and sick everything is once all the snow is gone. Yeah, green coming back is nice, but it's the in between stage that sucks. Maybe I do have a bit of winter blues. I know I have the "outside happys".

Snack time!!

Tues-wed March 17-18

The rest of Tuesday wasn't so bad. I didn't really feel that tired. At
least not any more than I should have. We tried to watch Rachel Getting
Married but we started it too late and when the DVD started screwing up due
to a fingerprint we just went to bed. Any crankiness was brought on by
frustration and not just snapping.
Wednesday was good. No uneccessary grumpiness. I had a nap before work but
it was because I should, not because I was wicked tired.
I am really tired right now but that's because it's 345am. I will be tired
on Friday. And Sunday. I'll be stressed on Saturday because there will be
lots of people around. I'll take some drugs in the morning. hahah

Rah!

The weekend was a write off. It doesn't count. Up at 530 every morning and working for 12 hours. I am supposed to be tired.
Monday I was in a rough mood. I had zero patience. I was irritated by everything. Not a good day.
Today isn't much better. I had better control this morning and I am not as irritated. Well, not irritated at all really, just frustrated. Maybe I set my expectations too high.
My throat doesn't hurt anymore so I can get some screaming done if I need to without hurting myself.

Kinda down

The day after a night shift is never easy. I was a bit cranky this evening. I may have raised my voice a little much. I think the girls are still feeling last night's full moon.
The reason I am kinda down is my wife's uncle died today. I may have met him once and my wife was never really close with him, but it's still her uncle. She is with her parents right now. I think her dad needs her to be there.

Mondays suck

well, Monday actually wasn't too bad. I still wasn't very anxious to get up, but that come with the territory. DW's alarm woke me up at 745. Not bad. I wore my nasal strip correctly. I didn't feel run down all day. I had some Shreddies and All-Bran for lunch, so I am back on routine for that. I had about a can worth of Diet Pepsi in the morning. I slept for about an hour in the afternoon. It's 345am now and I feel pretty good. I had a tea at 12 and a tea at 230. and Lots of water.

I think part of the reason I was tired all weekend was the fact that we got some pop again. The more I think about it, I was feeling good when we weren't drinking pop. Even though it was diet. I don't really crave it anymore. I think I associate it with whiskey now and I am NOT going down that road again. I am cool with OJ, V8, milk, tea and water. And when I am done my self-induced 90 day alcohol rehab, the occasional beer. I am very pleased with the choices I have made in the last few weeks and I am very confident that I can continue down the path I want to be on. I am at a place now that I feel my will power is at it's highest level ever. Most days over the few weeks, I haven't even thought about alcohol, coffee, pop or cigarettes.

One more step on the road to a better me.

Stupid time change

Sunday was pretty rough. We had friends over Saturday night (I may have already said that) so DW and I were up late, and even later after they left (wink wink). Then we lost an hour of sleep due to the time change. What a crock. Just leave the damn time the same all year. The DDs don't give a shit about the time change and get up whenever. But they did sleep in a little. Thank goodness. I was playing drag-ass all morning and into the afternoon. We took the girls to the park and I felt pretty good there. Then we went for icecream and I crashed. It wasn't a sugar high crash either. I crashed before we got there. Then for the rest of the day, I felt like SHIT. My throat was sore, I was losing my voice. I felt like I had a fever (I didn't) I had no energy and I was achy. I felt like I was coming down with the flu again. I fell asleep on the couch about 1030ish and then woke myself up snoring. hahah I got thinking about it Monday and I realized that I hadn't had my fibre load on Friday, or Saturday or Sunday and I was beat all weekend. I don't think I had my nasal strip on right Sat night either.

Playing Catch-up

Thursday night was hell. DD2 has me up til 215ish (up for 22 hrs and worked 12 of them) and my wife up til 3. Then DD1 got up at 730 as usual. Needless to say, Friday was rough. I had an appt at 10 and I had a moment of weakness and grabbed a coffee on the way. Mistake. Not only did it fail to give me any sort of boost, it didn't taste that good and I felt like crap the rest of the day. I can't really blame the coffee entirely. I did have a really hard night.
Friday night we let DD2 stay up until she dropped. Which she did about 10. On the floor in the living room. We propped a pillow under her and put a blanket on and finished watching our movie. I took her up to bed about 1130 and she slept til DD1 got up. We did the same trick last night but she didn't drop. DW finally took her up to bed at 11 and she screamed for 20 mins and then fell asleep. She got up at about 930 this morning.
I'm still dog tired though because we had company over and we were up until 1 or so and then the time change messed with us.
We'll see how the day goes.

Not gonna be a good day

I didn't get to bed last night til at least 1130. after DD2 was up from 10-11 (as per usual).then she was up again at 430. so I was up for the day at that point. So was DW. so we are both tired today. I don;t think I had my nasal strip on right either. I have been feeling good since I started wearing them and I tried it in a different position last night.

My computer is broken. Probably just the power supply but still, I don't need the problems. If it's fried, like dead fried, I will not be a happy camper.

My machine hates me today.

 

 

A little tired

but it is 315 (Siesta time) and I didn't really get a break last break time
so I have been on my feet since 11.
Hopefully some popcorn and a tea will perk me up a bit. My food choices
earlier in the day were a little sugar heavy so I don't think that helped
at all.

The Goal

The goal of this blog is to track how I am feeling and track what I am doing on my road to being a better and healthier person. I'll be talking about stuff such as if I am tired or not, how I control my emotions, how I slept etc.

So, yesterday I wasn't tired at all as far as I can recall. I did lose my temper putting the girls to bed but that wasn't due to being tired. That was due to DD1 not listening and just being a thorn in my side. Come to think of it, DD2 wasn't much better.
Rather than the usual 30 seconds to fall asleep, it took over 20 minutes. I was out of it but not asleep. Until DD2 got up shortly after midnight. I wonder what time DW came back to bed. I didn't look at the clock.
Maybe the nasal strips are working? maybe it's the increased fibre? Whatever it is,I felt good yesterday.
We'll see how today goes!!