Truckin' right along

I've been doing pretty good. No "black hole days", no uncalled for outbursts of rage. Considering all the stress we've been under from selling our house, and buying a new one, I'm doing really good! I think all the Buddhist texts I've been reading has helped a lot. It's changed how I think and feel about things. For the better.

I've had a bit of a tired spell over the last month. 2 things I suspect are the cause. I was taking B12 supplements and I ran out. And I neglected to work out for about 27 days. So I got some more vitamins and I will try to get back on the workout thing. It's this big vicious circle. You get tired for whatever reason and don't workout. Then you can't get your energy level back up because you aren't working out. Because you're too tired. Because you aren't being physically active. Because you're too tired. And round and round. This is where will power comes in. No matter how much it sucks, I have to get up and do it!

The Plan

OK. So. Mentally it's been a rough week. But it's been a rough week in general. Other than this week, I am doing really well. Mentally. Physically however, I got some work to do. I've been doing the EA Sports Active thing 3-4 times a week but I can't really do the challenging workouts. The challenging ones, at least for lower body and cardio, involved jumping and/or running in place. I can do those things but it makes some noise and since I workout when everybody else is sleeping, it wakes people up.  So what's the plan now?

Well, I'm going to (try to) start with cycling. I got my roadbike fixed. I will try and go for a ride in the mornings. That will work legs and cardio. I am gonna try to get some dumbells for toning my upper body. There is thing thing I'd like that you hook your feet on to help with sit-ups, you hook it on the door frame for pull-ups, and you hold it instead of the floor for push-ups.

Nutrition wise, I gotta cut down on the beer. Lots of calories in all that flavour. Lots of calories that I ingest while sitting on the couch at night. Not a good idea. If I buy beer, I will drink it so I have to just save buying it for occasions. The hard part would be finding a suitable replacement. The other beverage I have to cut down on/quit drinking is energy drinks. I don't drink much coffee anymore so they are my boost. But I am sure that just as much of the boost, if not, more so comes from the sugar rather than the caffeine. Black coffee is virtually calorie free. But I don't really like it black, not a fan of sweetener, and sugar, well, duh.

So that's the plan. Cycle, cut the beer, and cut the expensive energy drinks. Gotta start somewhere!!

Hooray!

As of yesterday, May 26, I have been a vegetarian for one month. My conviction to this new lifesytle has not wavered. If anything, it's only gotten stronger. The more I read about the reasons not to eat meat, the more peaceful I am with my decision. At first it was based on 2 factors. Nutrition and ethics. I totally forgot about the environmental!! The amount of  water and air pollution generated by the meat industry is astronomical! And the wasted resources! So much feed is given to animals raised for meat. If that land was used for crops for humans, world hunger would be a non-issue. As it is,the VAST majority of wheat, corn, soy etc is feed to livestock. Livestock destined for the plates of the world's elite.

I could go on and on but you either get it or you don't.

I'm pretty much just wasting time right now anyway.

I'm gettin' there

I've made some big changes recently. The most profound change has been the decision to become a vegetarian. My motivations are two-fold. The first is strictly nutritional. Meat proteins are not easily digestible. Therefore they are not properly broken down. This can lead to intestinal problems such as constipation or irregularity, or even colon cancer. The undigested meat can interfere with the absorption of vitamins, minerals and other nutritional necessities. Your digestive system works harder and achieves less. Also, the by-products of meat are acidic in the body. This can contribute to acidosis. This is when the pH of the body is below 7 (neutral) into the acid range. Our bodies work best in a slighly alkaline range. (above 7 pH) Acidosis creates the conditions for disease to manifest itself. Some studies claim that a properly maintained bodily pH can eliminate sickness of any kind. So there is that side of it. Basically, meat is not good for you.

The other side is ethical. All life is precious. Whether it's mine, yours, a cow, a fish, a bug or a slug. In Buddhist teachings, all living beings (animals, insects, people) have a soul (so to speak). And all those souls are equal. The soul of a house fly is equal to that of the Dalai Lama. Over countless previous and future lives every living being was or will be our mother. Do you want to cause harm or death to your mother? The intention is that we never cause another soul suffering. (You don't think that cow is scared shitless before the bolt-gun hits it?) While it's not expected that we never cause harm or death under any circumstance, the aim is that we don't intentionally cause harm or death to another living being for our benefit. In the case of food, while I may not actually kill the chicken and make it into a meal, it suffered and died because I wanted to eat chicken. If there is no demand, there will be no supply. If no one wanted to eat chicken, no chickens would have to die. The argument could be made that if we only ate meat that came from animals that had died of natural causes, we would be in the clear morally. However, this brings us back to Argument #1. Nutrition.

For the record, I make no condemnations for those who choose a different lifestyle than my own. I merely ask the same in return.

The other big change in my life is exercise! For the past few years I've been fairly sedentary. Sure, I'd play the odd round of golf, baseball in the summer, yard/housework as necessary but I haven't made the effort to be active everyday. As a result, my energy level has gone down and my weight has gone up. My muscles are tense and my joints hurt. In other words, I feel like an old man. So, I decided that enough was enough and it was time to do something about it. I've started small by actually using the EA Active for the Wii that we bought MONTHS ago.We worked out once, sweated like pigs and ached for days. And there it sat. Around 2 weeks ago I started using it again. After the first day, I took 4 off til the pain subsided but I've done it almost every day since and I've had no lingering pain. It's low impact right now. Resistance band, my own body weight kinda a stuff. I'll get into cardio and weight training eventually. For now, I am happy to increase tone and get those joints moving again. (Bowflex donations greatly accepted.)

I am starting to feel better physically (I haven't lost any weight yet) and I feel better mentally than I have in years. I don't know if it's an actual biochemical change or simply a placebo effect. Frankly, I don't care. As long as it works. So please don't try and psych me out of it.

I'm still a long way from where I want to be but I'm getting there.

Big Changes Ahead

I go see the doctor on Friday. I've got lots to talk to him about. I'll try to summarize in point form.

• I'd like to try and go off my meds.
• I am still tired (not AS much) but I can go 3 or 4 days off meds and feel no different than if I am on them solid for 3 weeks.
• at my intake at the counselor's, they suggested I ask for a consult with the shrink who specializes in meds. I don't think I will bother because I don't want more meds. Or different meds. I don't want meds.
• I even want to try not taking my sleeping pills on nights and see how that goes.
• I am going to tell him about my plans to go vegetarian.
• I am going to tell him about my new regimen of stretching, light exercise and possibly yoga and weight training.
• I am going to talk to him about how concerned I am about my gut. I look pregnant. And it's not flabby. It's hard. I am concerned I have digestion issues. Or a blockage or a tumour or something.. I have serious gas issues. I fart ALOT. I always feel at least a little bloated. I mean I fart A LOT. 5-10x/hour is normal. I farted at least 20x in the last hour and my pants aren't as tight. And my abdomen isn't as hard. Hmmmmm.
• I am going to ask for a script for massage. I get $25/session back from my benefits but only if it's prescibed.
• I am also going to talk to him about a couple lumps I have. Becky is concerned about one under my arm and I am concerned about one on the back of my head.
• Finally, I want to talk to him about the supernatural. About the spirit in our house who is a meanie and is resistant to change so he affects us negatively.

I'm gonna try and start a daily log of what I ate and when and how I feel throughout the day. Increase my diligence on tracking BMs and maybe start tracking farts too. Also keep record of activities. Did I stretch, workout, do yoga, meditate, etc.

Let's the awesome begin!

not a good day

i just don't feel happy today. the day started off bad when I couldn't get a big bag of dog food. the dogs were out of food and walmart was the only thing open. I'm gonna start weaning them over to a different kind that is always in stcok.
when I got home I was VERY tired and as much as I love my girls, I hate how they bombard me at the door. The first thing after "Daddy!" is "I want chocolate milk!" no please or anything. It's a demand, not a question. no matter how many times I correct them and get them to ask properly, the next time, same thing. demands. it just starts my day off on the wrong foot.

when i got up this afternoon, I just wasn't in a great mood. while Becky was helping someone get our house looking better, the girls and I ate supper. which means they barely ate and one of the few opps we have to eat a nice dinner together was lost.

this whole house selling thing is stressing me the fuck out. everyday I see things that should be done, fixed, etc and I will never have enough time to do it all. So I feel that if it's not done, nobody will buy the house. then i feel that even if i do all the stuff I CAN, nobody will buy it anyway because of the stuff we can't afford to do. (Roof, refinish floors, new carpet) it's like a mental Catch 22. I just can't shake this feeling that our house is unsellable. I know it IS sellable, i just keep thinking it's not.
i feel like no matter how hard I try or how much I do, nothing ever turns out the way I want it. and it's not like my aims are unrealistic either. I just want my kids to use a little manners and listen when I talk to them. I just want to be able to get things done that need to be done. I just wanna play my guitar and scream. I just wanna lift some weights. I just wanna relax. I just wanna meditate. Unfortunately, there is only 24 hours in a day. And since I can't get everything done, I constantly feel stressed and unsatisfied. i'm always in such a hurry because there is always something I want to do. my mind is just pulled in a hundred directions at once.

right now my major concern is the house. I'm afraid we'll never sell and be stuck here. sigh.

wow

It's been like 2 months since I posted on here. I guess that's because things are pretty good.  I'm still taking my anti-depressants but I'll forget 2-3 days in a row and I don't notice. I don't feel sad, or distant or angry all the time anymore. I'm still tired as heck though. not sure what to do there. I can't take a full sleeping pill at night b/c I am wiped the next day. Sometimes I take half but I forget alot. I do take them when I am on nights and it helps me sleep the whole day. So that's good.

I have been stressed lately b/c we are trying to sell our house. I just want it to be over and done. The house we have our eyes (and offer) on is so great. If we lose it because we can't sell our house, I'm gonna be pretty upset. If another person gives them a better offer, I'll still be upset, but that's different. If we can't sell our house, I'll feel bad because it's a good house.(with no yard) But I feel that if we can't sell it the way it is, we'll never sell it. Cuz our realtor said we wouldn't be able to get much more out of it than what we listed at. So I don't want to pump another 5,10,15 grand into it that we'd never be able to get back.

Think Positive!! We WILL sell it!!