rough day again

I am so tired. i'm 61 hours into a 84 hours in 7 days work stretch. when
i'm tired like this i am still irritable but it's more than that. when i am
tired, i feel low. I have little to no interest in anything. i hate feeling
this way. i'm not in a situation right now that i can scream and i'm too
tired to meditate because I'd fall asleep. i just need to find a mantra and
repeat it to myself. think good things and they will happen, right?

wiggy day

Today was a wiggy day. by that i mean my head wasn't calm. I didn't have a
chance for quiet. all day the girls were either hanging off me, fighting,
or both trying to talk to me at once. That really sends my head spinning.
them both talking to me at once. not just them, any 2 or more people
talking to me at the same time. i have a problem with multiple voices. for
example, when I am reading on my breaks at work, i HAVE to listen to music.
if I can hear people talking, i can't concentrate. there's the voice of one
or more people talking, and the voice in my head, saying the words I read.
2 or more voices, i get wiggy. so today, both them were trying to talk at
the same time and it stressed me out. and they would step it up a notch
when the phone rings.
so all in all today, i never felt calm. it was just kids being kids but
it's a trigger for me. i never lost my cool though. my teeth are sore from
the effort of keeping cool. gritting them. I'm only half-conscious of it. i
did raise my voice a couple/few times but that was just to be heard over
the screechin/yelling/whining/crying.

when is my fuckin guitar gonna be fixed anyway?! i need it! for 3 reasons:
release, help get me off the computer, and music calms the savage
beast/kids. between 3 guitars, and the tribal drums I plan to buy, the kids
and I could really have some fun. without tv or computer.

The Week that was

Kind of a roller coaster week.

Monday and Tuesday weren't good. I was pretty much a bear. My mind was deluded by anger and selfishness. Instead of finding a constructive outlet (or better yet, recognizing the emotions and patiently accepting the situation) I lashed out at others. Not cool. I wasn't able to calm my mind before or during Buddhist Meditation class Tuesday night. Even after class I was still in a state of mental unrest. I didn't stay to chat with the others at all. I just wanted to go home.

Wednesday wasn't an angry day. Doesn't mean it was a good day either. Well, it was and it wasn't. I was feeling pretty down in the morning. Probably mostly due to the previous 2 days. I was going to a concert in Toronto that night and I was going to see friends I hadn't seen in a couple years. Sounds like a recipe for happy, doesn't it? I was actually worried that my sour mood was going to carry over and I wouldn't enjoy myself. Week 1 of Anger Solutions for Men helped me put some things into perspective and during the 2 hour drive to my friend's place I did a lot of thinking. My mood did turn around and I did enjoy myself. It was really nice to hang out with an old friend. The concert was pretty awesome too. Clutch rules.

Thursday I drank coffee and watched Die Hard 3 with Spencer, dropped him off at work and drove home. After that it was just a normal day.

Friday I saw the doctor. He changed my medication again. The last one knocked me out too hard. It helped me sleep but if I took the prescribed dose, I could sleep all day. I got my hair trimmed. Becky and I got groceries and had lunch. It was good. (He might have found the right meds. I feel pretty good since I started taking them.)

Saturday Becky took the wedding photos for a friend of hers. (Ours I guess. haha) Another friend of ours was singing at the wedding. So we all kind of went together. We sat together anyway. It was fun. Michelle and Bill helped us let go of the high school slowdance posture and dance like adults. (Stand up straight!) Every day is a learning day!

Sunday we went to Aunt Maureen's for a little birthday party for Gramma Hinch. 90! I tried to have a nap before I came into work but it wasn't really happening. Even when Becky got home and I went upstairs I still didn't nap. But I didn't let if bother me. It wasn't anybody's fault. No one was TRYING to keep me from resting. So why get angry? Then I went to work and that's just boring.

I went for an x-ray Monday morning. I hurt my finger back in August and it was still bothering me. So the Doc sent me for x-rays. I'll find out in a couple days. Not really much they can do anyway. I just hope that leaving it so long didn't do any other damage.

So I guess it wasn't really a roller coaster week. It didn't come back down. It was more of a turn around week. I might finally be heading in the right direction.

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am having a rough couple days. i am really annoyed by everything. everything.
i don't want anything to exist for a bit. just silence and darkness.

This road is long

Yesterday was a bad day. Woke up on the wrong side of bed and was cranky all day. I had zero patience. ZERO. Bad bad day.

Last night I slept at the sleep lab again. I slept much better. We'll see what the results are in November.

Going to Buddhist Meditation classes tonight. I need all the help I can get.