I feel better now

I took a littel time last night/this morning and found a quiet place. I set an alarm in case I fell asleep and I meditated. I did a relaxation meditation. I felt much better when I came out of it. I missed meditation class the last 2 weeks and I haven't been very good about practicing. I think I just needed to relax, chill out, center myself. I guess it worked. I feel much better today even though I didn't sleep well at all. I should get lots of sleep tomorrow so that will help too. And after tonight, only 10 shifts til holidays!!! That's a reason to smile!

Not a good week so far

The last 3 days, including today, have been really rough. Really rough. I have been feeling really really tired. But I don't know if it's really tired. Other than being tired, like, my eyes hurt tired, I'm also feeling defeated. Almost that disconnected feeling I was having a while back. I don't know if the tired is a side effect of the "down" or if the "down" is a side effect of being really tired.  In any case, it's not good. I have been very easily frustrated and feel that nothing is going right. I couldn't find the can opener, all the pork was freezer burnt, I couldn't find the chequebook, our account went into the red because I forgot about a check I wrote. The girls are ignoring my requests no matter how I phrase it. I am dropping things and spilling things. I even tried to watch a movie and I kept getting interrupted and it cut into my nap time. Add to that a somewhat upsetting email from my mother and I didn't nap very well at all. And I just don't have the energy to deal with it. My feet hurt, my knees hurt, my back hurts, my head hurts, my ears are ringing, and I have a canker that just won't go away. I thought about taking a couple days off work but I honestly don't think it would help. I've been getting enough sleep so I really don't think not working nights and just sitting around all day "relaxing" is the answer right now.

I see the doctor next week. Since my sleep tests came back normal I think he's going to start me on some meds to help make my sleep more effective. The plan is to get me off the anti-depressants. But up til this week, I was doing really well on them. Still really tired but not angry or down. I just want to be poppin' pills all day just to be normal.

There is a meditation program from Holothink that is designed (and proven) to get you into a deep Zen state very quickly to maximize the benefits in a short amoutn of time for people who are strapped for time. i.e. Me. I need to do some research on it before I decide to shell out the $70. I also need to try harder to find a pirated copy. There has got to be one out there. They also have one that is supposed to energize you to get lots done in a little time. Like cleaning and stuff. I'll keep looking.

I really just need to psyche myself out of this. I feel a little better just writing this. Getting it out of my system. Doesn't make my feel hurt any less though. Ah well.

wrong side of the bed

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something today. Yesterday. Sunday. I had no reason to really. We had friends over last night, the wife and I got jiggy, and I had pizza for breakfast. But, I was awake around 630 for no apparent reason. Didn't get out of bed til the girls woke up, but couldn't get back to sleep. whatever the cause, my patience was low. Every limit was tested, every button was pushed and every nerve was frazzled. Considering everything that went on, I held it together pretty well. I believe that if it weren't for the positive changes I've made in the last couple months, that a day like today would have turned out a lot worse. I still don't feel good about the times I had to raise my voice, but it mostly just to be heard not in anger. Stop.Think.Act. saved me a lot today.

I need a good massage and a mini-beanbag chair. My neck and shoulders are killing me.

So I'm 31 now.

I don't usually talk about my feelings and stuff. At least not in person. I am a little more forthcoming in type. I really hope that my 32nd year of existence goes better than my 31st. A lot of stuff happened while I was 30. Not all of it good. I became a person I didn't want to be. And I am just recently becoming more of a person I can live with. I still have a long way to go. I've made great strides in ridding myself of habits and attitudes that were dragging me down. Up til about February, whiskey had me in its grip and I thought nothing was wrong with me. I thought I was just tired. Looking back, I was in denial. Yes, I was tired (still am) but that was no excuse for being a jerk all the time. I had to wake up and realize that it's okay to get help. I don't have to be the big tough guy and do it all on my own. It's been a year of struggle. A year of looking into myself.  A year of doctor's appoointments and trial and error. A year of distance and pain. A year of pessimism and disappointment. But that year is over and a new one begins.

My 32nd year will be a year of optimism. A year of peace. A year of self-discovery. A year of patience. A year of progress. A year of answers (well, hopefully I get at least one answer next week.Why is my sleep not restful?) A year of creativity. A year of confidence. A year of happiness and joy. This year is the first year of the rest of my life. I intend to make it a good one.