well shit.

I had a doctors appt 3 weeks ago. I told her that I felt better mood wise
but I was clenching my jaw a lot. She said it should pass. And the
headaches should pass. Well, the clenching is getting worse. I am not
sleeping well at night. I still have headaches.
My libido needs some work too. Not a lack of desire though.
Still VERY tired.
I have noticed that since that appt, my mood is actually swinging back. I
have been quite irritable the last couple weeks.
Last night was wretched. I had no patience to start with and both girls
were giving me a hard time.
And today, I still don't have any patience but I also feel down again.
Not good.,
I don't have another appt until Aug 13.
I don't want them to bump me to a higher dose. I don't want to make any of
the negative side effects worse.
I can't live with the teeth clench thing. It makes my teeth and jaw ache. I
think it's the cause of the headaches. I think it's was waking me up at
night. It hurts to chew.
This sucks.
Hopefully sometime this weekend I'll have enough energy to try the libido
thing out. Maybe it was unrelated? Or a side effect of some other
"medicine". wink wink.

Better, not perfect

So I've been on the pills for a month now. I do feel better. Not 100% but I probably never will be. That's too much to ask from anyone. The headaches and upset stomach have gone away but I am clenching my jaw like crazy. The doc said it should go away.
As much as my mood is better, I am still tired. I stayed over at the sleep lab last week. I go for my results near the end of August. I kinda hope they find something. The doc wants me to stay on the meds for a year regardless. But as soon as I can try and go pill-free I will.

The last couple days have been rough on me. I have been extra tired so maybe that has something to do with it.
It's progress.

Visit to the Sleep Lab

I went to the sleep lab on Thursday. It was kind of an intake sort of thing. Here's how it went down:

They measured my neck, abdomen, and hips. Pinched the fat on my arm, back and stomach. I think all that was to fit me for the various apparatus they use. They checked my blood pressure and pulse. Then they asked some questions about my moods, my short term memory loss, and falling asleep in class in high school and university.  That was with the nurse. Then I saw the doctor. He talked about my twitching, my snoring, my snorting, my moods and my breathing. He talked about sleep apnea. He checked my breathing, my heart, my throat and my eyes. (bloodshot, as always) He told me about the stuff they hook up. Chest bands, electrodes on chest and head, breathing mask, monitor on my finger, and infrared cameras. I hope I'm able to sleep with all that stuff on me! Somehow I don't really think it will be a problem.

My sleepover is scheduled for Aug 31. Yikes that's far. But my name is on the cancellation list so I could get in earlier. In fact, they called last night. But I was at work. So here's hoping they have a more convenient cancellation and I don't have to wait 2 and a half months. I overheard someone ask how long til the results come back and they said about another 4 weeks. So that's the end of September. I started this whole "why am I so tired?" thing back in Feb! Maybe even Jan!

well....

Dr. K started me on some meds.Cipralex. Has given me upset stomach and headaches. The pharmacist said that's normal for the first week or so.  it might have disturbed my sleep too. Although, I have alot going on right now so that might be contributing.

I am pretty tired tonight. I don't if that is why I feel "off" tonight or what. I feel that way I do sometimes when I don't really want to be around people. I just want to listen to music and read. I don't want to talk to anyone. I hope it's just because I am tired.

What a rotten day

today was a really bad day. I had no patience whatsoever. I woke up in a pissy mood. I was either pissy or irritated or frustrated or just plain tired all day. my eyes were sore and puffy all day. i had very little energy.

I hate when I get like this. I got 7 solid hours of sleep but I felt like I got zero. when i get like this I just don't want to deal with anything. I feel bad about it. sometimes the irritation, cranky attitude doesn't carry over when I get to work.(sometimes it does)  i am not trying to put any blame on my family. i think it's more that, at work, I don't have to deal with anything. haha I just do my boring repetitive job. for the most part I don't even have to talk to people. maybe like 2 min out of every 2.5 hours. If the machine is giving me a hard time, I can holler and swear and be as angry as I want and it doesn't affect anyone but me. not that it solves anything.

the countdown to the sleep clinic continues. 18 days to go! i just hope I get some answers.

Thursday was SHITTY

I was extremely tired Thursday. I didn't sleep well Wed Night so that
didn't get me started well. About 3pm I had an iced coffee. Free from
Timmy's. But I paid for it. It made me really tired and gave me a bit of a
tummy ache. It put me in a right foul mood for most of the night. 100%
irritable. Zero Patience. zero energy. Guess that answers the coffee
question. NO coffee!!

update

I haven't had any depressed days since my last post but I have had some
blow my gasket days. I am still tired and I still lose my temper. I don't
feel I have any more patience lately either.

couple bad hours

both girls gave me a hard time going to bed last night. it really
frustrated me and I felt down for a couple hours.
i'm okay today but tired.

not bad.

Everything has been going well. Monday I was a bit irritable but my neck
hurts and I didn't get to bed until about 1 after a saturday night of being
up til after 3. Not grumpy really just irritable. and not sad at all.
Got my appt with the sleep clinic booked for June 18. i'll see my doc
before that. I need to fill out the form and have it back by May 21. Then I
can check for cancellations to try and get in sooner. that would be
preferred. June 18 is so far away.

Wow.

all weekend was good. Monday was great. Tuesday was good. and today is
good! i am very tired, and sore from golf yesterday but my mood is fine.
YAY!

another good day

So Sunday was another good day. 3 in a row! I didn't get as much sleep as I wanted to and the last couple hours were pretty restless but I feel ok. Tired, sure, but mentally ok. I guess that's it for now. 13 hours til my appointment!

good day!

Today has been a really good day. I feel good. Almost chipper. I had a good sleep and a good supper (thanks hunny). I was a bit stressed in the morning because I was really tired and I felt like I was being pulled in too many directions at once (DD1, DD2 and piss-soaked puppy). But I got through it. and it didn't ruin my day.

 really hoping this can carry through (like forever). still getting meds on monday.

 

start of a new streak?

as I said earlier, Wednesday was wretched. Thursday wasn't much better. Better, but not great. It doesn't help that I was going to a wake for a 4 year old. So that was on my mind all day. I had a good cry. Which might have been what I needed. I woke up this morning knowing it was going to be a good day. I am at that point where I know if it is going to be a good or bad day right when I get up. Granted, I am still on a bit of a short fuse sometimes but I am not really depressed. Like today, I lost my cool once or twice but I was in a good mood.

the streak is over

i was on a roll. i had 6 good days. not today. right from the get-go I was cranky. every little thing annoyed me. I felt like nothing could go right. I felt defeated alot today. Like no matter how hard I tried, how much I kept myself calm, I had no control. Nothing went the way it was supposed to. a very very "whatever!" throw-my-arms-up day. I just want to go to bed.

yeah, I am kinda stumped

i had 4 good days. I didn't use nasal strips. still good. I didn't drink anymore water than I usually do. still good. i missed at least one day  (plus today) of my fibre bump. still good. i had pop and beer and tea. still good. Up late. still good.

so what's the deal?

3 good days so far

Ok, last post was after a really bad day but I seem to be doing better.
Right from waking Thursday afternoon, I felt good. Not cranky, not sad. I was okay talking to people. It continued thru the night so that was good.
Friday, I was tired but it didn't get me down. We had a good afternoon and a great evening. Not once was I feeling bad. Well, I did lose my temper in the car when the girls were fighting over something but you would have too.
Today is going pretty good. Great really. I feel good and all that. Hopefully I am on a roll. Although, being back and forth like this makes me think I might need something to keep me on an even keel. Because the lows are getting lower and that's not cool.

well the day is almost over

and it wasn't a good one. I got a full nights sleep but that didn't help.
I just felt like nothing. I felt frustrated. I felt sad. I felt helpless. I felt unrespected. I felt distant. I felt disconnected. I felt inadequate. I felt like a failure. I felt worthless.
I try and put on a happy face but it feels so fake, why bother? Why can I not feel joy any more? DD2 made a funny face, I should have laughed but I didn't feel like it. I asked DD1 how here day was at school, but I only asked because I felt like I should. Then I feigned enthusiasm when she said it was good. I just moped around all day. No desire to do anything. I tried doing yard work because I like that but it did nothing. I have really felt adverse to people lately. I don't want to talk to anyone. At least in a small talk sense. After a concert last night, I would usually stuck around for a bit and talked to the bands. But I thought "ah fuck it" and just went home. On the way home, I really felt bad. Maybe it was because one of the things that I get excited about and enjoy doing, did vitrually nothing for me. As I blank-stared my way home, I felt on the verge of tears. Like at a funeral with you are good until someone says anything to you. Luckily, I kinda got over it by the time I got home. Although, I haven't felt any better since. Let's hope that whatever the solution to this mess is, it works fast.

Btw, it took me long enought to write this that the day ended over an hour ago.

I give up

Everything I try to feel better doesn't work. or it works for a couple days and then it doesn't anymore. Maybe I am just realizing that my mood and behaviour wasn't a side effect of being tired. Maybe I was using it as an excuse. The only thing I haven't done that I have wanted to is excercise but my knees are bothering me enough that I just can't.
I go to see the doc on the 27th and I will do whatever they tell me to. Drugs, therapy, anything.
I can't do this anymore. I can't be this person anymore. It's not fair to those who love me and it's not fair to myself. I wanted to fix myself by myself but I can't.
Good thing I have benefits at work.

well....

midday was a little better, still wanted to be alone.
530, wicked ass headache. any progress made today has been wiped out.
hopefully the tylenol will help. way past ready to go home.

I've got a bad feeling about this(day)

I don't feel good about today. I have that anti-people feeling. Like I want to take my breaks out in the van so I am not around people. Not sure why. maybe i've been hitting the black tea too hard and i have too much caffeine in my system?maybe the no name nasal strips aren't working as well?

I thought that maybe i would feel better today because I had that morning time to myself and wake up proper before I had to DO anything. But no. I feel very disinterested in anything. Flashpoint is on tonight, but I don;'t really care right now. I am going to a concert next week, but if it was tonight, I wouldn't go. I don't feel like it.

I dunno. we'll see how the day goes.

 

Not really a good week

since the 3rd. hmmm. I had very little motivation all weekend. Not very interested in much. DD's had a b-day party. I was ok for that but glad when everyone left. Monday I worked days. Boring crap. Very tired that night. Tuesday morning I was a crab. I was irritable in the evening. Went to work that night. Wednesday, very tired and generally grumpy. Just wanted to sit. Bored with the internet. watched the ball game.
This morning, cranky to beat all hell. no patience. Van broke. Doesn't help. walked home from shop, feel little better. Still want to just plant my ass on the couch and listen to music. not even interested in watching movie. Seems like that's all I want to do lately.
What the fuck is wrong with me?!

2 naps today

yesterday "slept" all day. Nice weather outside made me feel good.
today I got about 3 hours or so total. I have that whole body tired feeling. My heels are aching. I feel I have a short fuse today. Oh! my tea!!

Tired but not really cranky

Fri, Sat Sun I worked nights. So yea, I was tired. Sat acutally i was in a
really good mood. Monday I got more sleep than I exptected but I was still
really tired. But not cranky. Tuesday was DW's birthday. I had a decent
nights sleep monday night so I was in a good mood for her. Wednesday, um,
good day. No crankiness. I actually felt very in control. Let's keep it
going!
I downloaded some book about I Ching and Buddhism (among others. Moon
landing conspiracy,Jewish Superiorism (I think) and like 50 other books on
various topics). Maybe some of the Eastern teachings and give me more tools
to use in my personal re-moulding.

Well those were two days I'd like to take back

yeah, Thursday sucked. I was overtired and in a crank ass mood all day. I was tired and sore  and I took it out on others. I did feel better once I got the dishes done, some laundry folded and a tea in me. I think I was a little stressed and I needed to get some stuff done to take the load off. Great, here we go again with the "so much to do!! stress me out!!" I am really gonna have to work on that.

Friday wasn't much better. it was and it wasn't. morning was good. 12-130pm not good. ALL my fault. I thought that the girls would entertain each other for a while but I was wrong. All they wanted was my attention but I was too wrapped up in my stupid pool. I'll have to make it up to them. I know how I will with DD1. There is a craft she is DYING to do with me when DD2 is sleeping. I'll have to do that next week.

Bear in mind, and I am sensing a pattern here, that I ran out of Breathe Right strips. The 2 days following a night without them and I was cranky. Hmmmm. I've been very diligent with my fibre, no coffee. The strips is the only thing that has changed.

Need to start exercising too. As much as it would suck, maybe I have to start setting an alarm on my days off and going for a run or a bike ride. I remember how good i felt back when I did exercise. and how i encouraged DW to aswell, becuase it felt good. Besides, the dog could use the odd run too!

 

Thurs Mar 26

Mon-Tues. Day shifts. Tired. Expected. Headaches.
Wednesday. Not bad. Painted all day. Tired. Not cranky. Headaches.
Thursday. Up with DD2 til 1am. Slept on couch very painfully(when I woke up) til 315am. Up with DD1 at 730 or something like that. Tired and cranky. Yes. Legs sore. back sore.ankles sore. No headaches. Not a good day.

As Expected

Friday was a write-off. I only expected to sleep til 10 but Becky let me go til 11. Thanks. Then I had to take DD2 up the hospital. We were there for over 3.5 hours for a pill and some juice. I finished a book and laid with her so I wasn't wearing myself out any more. I had a coffee after I picked up DD1 and that didn't help at all. But I was in bed by 10 and slept (almost straight) til 730.

so saturday was better. I only raised my voice once. ANd that was literally seconds after I woke up from my nap so I was a bit grumpo. I didn't feel irritable all day. Saturday was good.

now, SUnday, I might not get enough sleep after my night shift so we'll see how it goes.

Not lookin' good

DD2 is sick again so that means DW and I will be tired. She was up with her 3 times last night so she didn't get good sleep. Then DD2 was sick all day. I was up around 215pm after 5 hours sleep or so. I hope DD2 is sleeping through tonight. Neither of us will get any sleep tomorrow (I might get a little) so I hope one of us at least is sleeping.

If it's any consolation, DD2 is easier to deal with on little to no sleep than DD1. If she is still sick, she won't be too active. Well, her mood doesn't suffer unless she is REALLY sick. Still, she is easier. I may have to still get things for her but I don't mind so much because I know she can't get them for herself.

At least tonight I am at my secondary job at work which is much less physical. I might even be able to take a nap later. If I was at my other function, I would nap too but it would be little 20 minute naps. I'm talkin' I might be able to have like an hour nap. or more.

I can't chalk up any feeling I have tonight or tomorrow to anything other than exhaustion. I will have every reason to be feeling tired.

That's what most of this blog is about. Whether or not I have a "right" to be tired. If I have a perfectly normal reason (up all night) or not. It's when I have had a normal night's sleep and all that, and then I am still a cranky SOB, that I need to identify. I have noticed that lately, that scenario has become less common. No coffee (Gonna try one tonight under the circumstances), very little pop, almost regular fibre intake, 2 teas a day, and no alcohol. I quit the alcohol first and I was still tired and irritable (maybe a little more so). I think since the no coffee, little pop, fibre and nasal strips  I have been feeling better. Sunday night I got us a bottle of pop. Diet, caffeine free. But I had a bad Monday. I had some pop monday too. Hmmm....Maybe there is something to this no pop thing.

I have been feeling a real urge to get outside this week. Spring sucks. I hate how dirty and sick everything is once all the snow is gone. Yeah, green coming back is nice, but it's the in between stage that sucks. Maybe I do have a bit of winter blues. I know I have the "outside happys".

Snack time!!

Tues-wed March 17-18

The rest of Tuesday wasn't so bad. I didn't really feel that tired. At
least not any more than I should have. We tried to watch Rachel Getting
Married but we started it too late and when the DVD started screwing up due
to a fingerprint we just went to bed. Any crankiness was brought on by
frustration and not just snapping.
Wednesday was good. No uneccessary grumpiness. I had a nap before work but
it was because I should, not because I was wicked tired.
I am really tired right now but that's because it's 345am. I will be tired
on Friday. And Sunday. I'll be stressed on Saturday because there will be
lots of people around. I'll take some drugs in the morning. hahah

Rah!

The weekend was a write off. It doesn't count. Up at 530 every morning and working for 12 hours. I am supposed to be tired.
Monday I was in a rough mood. I had zero patience. I was irritated by everything. Not a good day.
Today isn't much better. I had better control this morning and I am not as irritated. Well, not irritated at all really, just frustrated. Maybe I set my expectations too high.
My throat doesn't hurt anymore so I can get some screaming done if I need to without hurting myself.

Kinda down

The day after a night shift is never easy. I was a bit cranky this evening. I may have raised my voice a little much. I think the girls are still feeling last night's full moon.
The reason I am kinda down is my wife's uncle died today. I may have met him once and my wife was never really close with him, but it's still her uncle. She is with her parents right now. I think her dad needs her to be there.

Mondays suck

well, Monday actually wasn't too bad. I still wasn't very anxious to get up, but that come with the territory. DW's alarm woke me up at 745. Not bad. I wore my nasal strip correctly. I didn't feel run down all day. I had some Shreddies and All-Bran for lunch, so I am back on routine for that. I had about a can worth of Diet Pepsi in the morning. I slept for about an hour in the afternoon. It's 345am now and I feel pretty good. I had a tea at 12 and a tea at 230. and Lots of water.

I think part of the reason I was tired all weekend was the fact that we got some pop again. The more I think about it, I was feeling good when we weren't drinking pop. Even though it was diet. I don't really crave it anymore. I think I associate it with whiskey now and I am NOT going down that road again. I am cool with OJ, V8, milk, tea and water. And when I am done my self-induced 90 day alcohol rehab, the occasional beer. I am very pleased with the choices I have made in the last few weeks and I am very confident that I can continue down the path I want to be on. I am at a place now that I feel my will power is at it's highest level ever. Most days over the few weeks, I haven't even thought about alcohol, coffee, pop or cigarettes.

One more step on the road to a better me.

Stupid time change

Sunday was pretty rough. We had friends over Saturday night (I may have already said that) so DW and I were up late, and even later after they left (wink wink). Then we lost an hour of sleep due to the time change. What a crock. Just leave the damn time the same all year. The DDs don't give a shit about the time change and get up whenever. But they did sleep in a little. Thank goodness. I was playing drag-ass all morning and into the afternoon. We took the girls to the park and I felt pretty good there. Then we went for icecream and I crashed. It wasn't a sugar high crash either. I crashed before we got there. Then for the rest of the day, I felt like SHIT. My throat was sore, I was losing my voice. I felt like I had a fever (I didn't) I had no energy and I was achy. I felt like I was coming down with the flu again. I fell asleep on the couch about 1030ish and then woke myself up snoring. hahah I got thinking about it Monday and I realized that I hadn't had my fibre load on Friday, or Saturday or Sunday and I was beat all weekend. I don't think I had my nasal strip on right Sat night either.

Playing Catch-up

Thursday night was hell. DD2 has me up til 215ish (up for 22 hrs and worked 12 of them) and my wife up til 3. Then DD1 got up at 730 as usual. Needless to say, Friday was rough. I had an appt at 10 and I had a moment of weakness and grabbed a coffee on the way. Mistake. Not only did it fail to give me any sort of boost, it didn't taste that good and I felt like crap the rest of the day. I can't really blame the coffee entirely. I did have a really hard night.
Friday night we let DD2 stay up until she dropped. Which she did about 10. On the floor in the living room. We propped a pillow under her and put a blanket on and finished watching our movie. I took her up to bed about 1130 and she slept til DD1 got up. We did the same trick last night but she didn't drop. DW finally took her up to bed at 11 and she screamed for 20 mins and then fell asleep. She got up at about 930 this morning.
I'm still dog tired though because we had company over and we were up until 1 or so and then the time change messed with us.
We'll see how the day goes.

Not gonna be a good day

I didn't get to bed last night til at least 1130. after DD2 was up from 10-11 (as per usual).then she was up again at 430. so I was up for the day at that point. So was DW. so we are both tired today. I don;t think I had my nasal strip on right either. I have been feeling good since I started wearing them and I tried it in a different position last night.

My computer is broken. Probably just the power supply but still, I don't need the problems. If it's fried, like dead fried, I will not be a happy camper.

My machine hates me today.

 

 

A little tired

but it is 315 (Siesta time) and I didn't really get a break last break time
so I have been on my feet since 11.
Hopefully some popcorn and a tea will perk me up a bit. My food choices
earlier in the day were a little sugar heavy so I don't think that helped
at all.

The Goal

The goal of this blog is to track how I am feeling and track what I am doing on my road to being a better and healthier person. I'll be talking about stuff such as if I am tired or not, how I control my emotions, how I slept etc.

So, yesterday I wasn't tired at all as far as I can recall. I did lose my temper putting the girls to bed but that wasn't due to being tired. That was due to DD1 not listening and just being a thorn in my side. Come to think of it, DD2 wasn't much better.
Rather than the usual 30 seconds to fall asleep, it took over 20 minutes. I was out of it but not asleep. Until DD2 got up shortly after midnight. I wonder what time DW came back to bed. I didn't look at the clock.
Maybe the nasal strips are working? maybe it's the increased fibre? Whatever it is,I felt good yesterday.
We'll see how today goes!!